Monday, May 12, 2008

The next best thing is right now

I have been really torn over the past few months about this blog, about motherhood, about baby names, about where to live, about whether or not to have a shower (a baby shower, that is. Fortunately, I still have time in the a.m. to have a shower. Trust me, I know this will change soon...), about lots of stuff.

First, work got crazy and I realized that I couldn't both work and be really pregnant. So I sort of ignored being pregnant for a few days, told myself I really should blog but I don't have time. I still took my prenatal vitamins and all that, but I wasn't consumed by pregnancy every waking second. Then I got so ragged from work that I realized I couldn't really learn how to be a mother in the next few months and be so consumed by work. It's a perennial question, but I have been wrestling with how to do it all. (Ugh, it sounds more cliche reading it in my own words!) Not even do it ALL but to have these two lives.

From the time I was a little girl I wanted to be a stay at home mom (we call then SAHMs in the web 2.0 world right?) and have lots of babies. Then I got a bit deeper into my career and loved it and thought maybe I'm too selfish to have kids at all. Then my husband started talking about kids and I couldn't picture him not having them, and I found that person inside. It was like discovering an old friend.

But now I'm in this place where I have one foot in both lives and finding it really precarious. I got too scared to write. As much as I've been enjoying watching my belly grow, I was a bit too eager to get to the next phase of all this so I could see how my life had worked itself out.

Then my friend said something this weekend that I've been thinking about. She said that people should just be happy with what they have, not always be wanting the next best thing. She was talking about material things, but it struck me that I am constantly fixated on the next chapter that I forget to live in the moment. (How is that for another cliche?)

I hope I can learn to embrace this scary, joyous part of being a little bit in two worlds instead of worry about figuring it all out. I'm working on it.

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